Peter "so fucking done" Pettigrew

( And you should know that the lies won't hide your flaws // No sense in hiding all of yours // You gave up on your dreams along the way )

Right when things were starting to get good
everything has to attempt to go to hell.
Must you rebels attempt to destroy a way of life
until there is
simply nothing of it left?

When my father was alive
he used to tell me that it was the purists who had the wrong idea.
You all have made it clear to me that he was wrong.

I can
see things clearly not for the first time.

Justice will be served
as far as all of you are concerned.
My new friends will see to the proper
enactment of your punishments when it
seems like the right time.

Tell me
are you all sure that it was worth it?
List the people who were
killed fighting for your
ideals and
name how many went to their
graves in vain.

Can you even
remember the last time that you
all had peace before this
zenith of an issue was forced into
your lives?

I suppose since my former associate decided to make himself known I might as well use this to say something instead of watching for any sign of the pettiness that the majority of you seem to spew. Quite frankly, it's amazing how comforting solitary confinement can be when your mind is nothing more than a mess. It gives you time to sort out the clutter, figure out where your life took a wrong turn, and focus on those things that are truly important.

It isn't as though I'm any worse off here than I was before. And it isn't as though anyone seems to care that I'm not where I'm supposed to be. I simply goes to prove that the paranoia that I had for the majority of my life was justified. Peter Pettigrew could vanish into thin air, and no one would notice or care.

I've been told that it's July now.

[PRIVATE]

I don't even know how to write down my thoughts anymore. They're all so jumbled that I'm left wondering if I really think what I think I think anymore. God, that was a sentence. It's the sort of thing that I really shouldn't have to write. April Fool's Day was good. It was simple. I wish I were so easy to go back to thinking like that all of the time, where a simple prank is all that is really needed to get back at everyone instead of having to wage full scale battles. Full scale battles that we tend to lose or manage to survive by the skin of our teeth. I don't think I was as settled on the fact that we're all going to die as I hoped that I was. Part of me still wants to fight it with everything that I have. I guess I should blame the Gryffindor in me.

I need to learn how to just give up.

And I put all of these thoughts behind privacy wards for a reason. If any of the guys knew that I was thinking this way, I'd probably be strung up in a second. We have a cause. We have a cause that we have to fight for, or we really are dead. You've already given up on us, Peter. You've already given up, so how do we know that we can trust you to support us when we find ourselves in a jam. How do we know that you're not just going to turn tail and run?

Because I don't want them dead. I don't want anyone dead.

But that's too much to hope for anymore.

[PRIVATE]

The world hasn't made sense for a long time. I haven't been sure which way is up or what to do with my life. Unsettled, unbalanced, unsure. But even through all of that, I had them. They were there, no matter what. For the last ten fucking years, they're been there, and it's just... It's not right. Remus. Why Remus? Sirius or James, I wouldn't have been surprised by. God, they've been practically begging for it. But Remus? It's just not fair. It's not fair. He was a good person with a good heart. Out of all of us, he was probably the person that deserved it least. Even less than Agnes because, god, at least she didn't do anything to try not to attract their attention.

I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm... I don't even know. I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired, and I don't see any way out of this. I don't even know if I want out of it now. They can't win. They can't. I'm not going to let this be in vain, be as random and meaningless as they tried to make it. I won't.

I wish I just knew how.

Happy Birthday, Moony. I hope it's a good one. Wherever you are.

[MWPP]

What do we do now?

[PRIVATE TO SEVERUS]

One down. Three to go. I hope you are all fucking happy.

[PRIVATE]

Another one. Is there even any reason to write the list out anymore? It's been cut in half, and I don't have any reason to depress myself anymore than I already am. What's the point, anyway? They will all be strikeouts soon enough. All I can wonder if whether I'd even still be here to tick off the final name.

This is so frustrating. One step forward, half a dozen steps back. Any little itch that we feel that we get is cut off not much later after that. And I'm starting to go crazy locked up in this safehouse constantly.

Mom's safe. I don't have any reason to be hiding anymore. I'm suspect. I know that, but if they can get to all of us under protection, like they did at Godric's, as easily as they could out in the open, what is the point in closing off our lives to just sit and wait to be slaughtered? I don't have this habit of making trouble or opening my mouth when I shouldn't. I'm not going to get myself blown up the second that I leave the safehouse no matter what Mom might be afraid of happening. Besides, paying for a flat and not using it? That's just wasteful. We all said that we weren't going to let them stop us from living our lives, and I'm not going to allow this to get in the way of the normal flow of things.

I'm tired. I'm tired of all of this, and I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.

[MWPPML]

I'm thinking about going home.

[PRIVATE]

That didn't take as long as I figured it might.

Oh, well.

Where's that handbasket? We all might as well climb in and make the trip from here on comfortable.

I feel as though I should say something profound here, but I'm not exactly the profound type. A lot has changed over the last year, myself included, changes both for the better and for the worse. But in the end, both have to be accepted as they come and dealt with in their own due course.

The only resolution I've made is to stop getting lost in my own world. I don't know how well I'm going to do at accomplishing it, but it's a step forward, at least.

[PRIVATE]

Getting a finger in the post was not exactly the way I had anticipated heralding in the new year. We all celebrated, but there was a clear undercurrent of celebrating to the whole thing, as if it was being done mostly because it was supposed to. I want to be happy. I want them all to be happy. But there is a point where we're going to have to admit that in the end, it's all futility. We're fighting an uphill battle against an army with the better defensive position.

Sometimes I think it would be better for us to try and work out some sort of compromise so that we don't end up losing all of our liberties when this thing implodes, and we end up in a less than ideal position than we already are. But nobody would do that. Nobody would be willing to do that, either side. A compromise would mean us admitting defeat and them admitting that they aren't willing to go the extra step that it takes to achieve eradication. And that clearly isn't the case.

Sirius is already dead. I hate thinking like that, but... I can't help it. He's dead the second that there is an opening for them to get at him. Hell, they might not even try and be subtle about it. The law needs evidence, after all, and the way that things have been going... He's already dead, and I feels as though I should just mourn him now and get it over with. I don't see how any of us are going to survive this if we keep doing things the way that we are now. There's no way.

I don't want to die.

[PRIVATE]

I can't fucking do this anymore.

[PRIVATE TO MWPP+ML]

Today is the last day of the two weeks from hell.

[PRIVATE TO MWPPML]

I put in my two week notice at Crook's. The hours have been killing me, and I just can't take barely having time to breathe anymore. I've got enough saved that I can stand working part time for awhile. See if my attitude changes when I don't feel quite as caged. So. Hi. I'm not dead.

[PRIVATE]

The immature, shortsighted, selfish little bitches... "Oh, my God! What about me?! What about me?! Someone who betrays us doesn't belong! Promises mean nothing to snakes!" There is a give and take the comes with negotiations. He's stuck in a tough position. And it's her own daughter for Christ's sake. If anything had happened to Tabitha... It isn't like... I don't even know why I'm fucking bothering anymore!



It doesn't matter. In the end, it all boils down to who he is. If any one of us had, if any of us had done the same thing, everyone would have looked the other way, if they would have fucking noticed at all. I could probably stab them all in the back, and as long as I was there was with a smile and a joke, they wouldn't suspect a goddamn thing.

That's it. I give. If this is the way we're all going to think and behave, we're fucked.

[PRIVATE TO SEVERUS]

I used to think histrionics was a myth. Now, I'm not so certain. But at least now I know how a lynch mob forms.

Am I the only one that would like to see a citation for where that "six times more likely to fail" statistic came from?

[PRIVATE]

Fucking hell. James Potter reproduced. I don't know whether to be elated or horrified for the future of the world. I think I'll just go with a little of both.

Hell. Before we know it, Remus will be the next to...

God, I feel old.

[PRIVATE]

And another. Agnes this time. She always seemed so indestructible. It's almost hard to believe. Part of me feels like someone is going to jump out and shout "November Fool!" and make everything go away. I should probably write something about my feelings on the trials, but it all seems a moot point now.

Happy Birthday to me.

Damocles Belby
Sirius Black
Edgar Bones
Caradoc Dearborn
Dedalus Diggle
Elphias Doge
Aberforth Dumbledore √
Albus Dumbledore
Alana Fenwick
Benjy Fenwick
Mundungus Fletcher
Bethany Frobisher
Alastor Gumboil
Hestia Jones
Alice Longbottom
Frank Longbottom
Remus Lupin √
Mary MacDonald √ X
Meaghan McCormack √√
Marlene McKinnon √√√√√
Dorcas Meadowes √√
Alastor Moody √
Agnes O'Hare √√
Octavius Pepper
Peter Pettigrew √
Sturgis Podmore
James Potter
Lily Potter √
Fabian Prewett
Gideon Prewett
Elsie Prod
Andromeda Tonks
Ted Tonks √√
Emmeline Vance

[PRIVATE TO MARAUDERS + LILY & MARLENE]

What now?

[PRIVATE TO JULIANNE & JACQUELINE WILKES, MR. MACNAIR, PERSEPHONE PARKINSON, CHLORIS BURKE & NARC & NARCISSA MALFOY]

I know most of you don't know me, but for what it's worth, I'm sorry.

[PRIVATE]

I hate this.

I should be happy. I should be celebrating the victory like everyone else is, reveling in the fact that a bunch of dangerous criminals are off the streets and will soon (because there is very little chance of the Wizengamot actually finding any of them innocent, warranted or not) be behind bars. But that is what is bothering me. I don't even know who picked the targets. What made them think that they were doing any good by setting them on people who we had no proof on, not even the smallest shred of suspicion? Burke? Evangeline? The Wilkes patriarch makes at least some sense considering his eldest daughter he to be introduced to it somehow, but...

Were we just chucking things at whoever we could get them on? When did I stop paying attention to what was going on around me? When did I let this get bigger than I could handle? When did this get bigger than I could handle?

I want out. I want out. I want out, but I can't just abandon them all. I'm so tired. I'm tired in a way that I don't think any of the rest of them are. I doubt they think about these things. It's all black and white to them. Us verses Them. Death Eaters are Death Eaters. Anyone associated with Death Eaters are just as bad. It doesn't matter whether they've done anything or not, they're just as guilty. They might as well be condemned all the same.

It doesn't matter that we might be sending someone innocent to Azkaban just because they don't agree with us. But this is an ideological war. I don't see why I'm surprised.

[PRIVATE TO SEVERUS]

So. Canada? Either that or Australia.

[PRIVATE TO THE MARAUDERS]

I leave you children alone for a week, and everything goes ass end up. Plus, you're drunken journaling again! Whose idea was the journal lock that monitors blood alcohol content? I'm really starting to think that would be a good idea.

Thank you, Moony, for actually behaving yourself. At least someone doesn't need a babysitter.

[PRIVATE]

They'd kill me if they knew, but I couldn't just stand by and let him get locked up. Maybe it was a bad idea. Maybe I'll regret it later. But my conscience would have killed me if I had sat by and done nothing. He's a good person, Death Eater or not. I believe that. Evil deeds do not make an evil heart, no more than good deeds make a pure one. I just wish I wasn't the minority in thinking like that.

[PRIVATE TO SEVERUS]

We need to talk. Up for that drink?

[PRIVATE TO SIRIUS]

James suck up his pride and attempt to apologize for being a prat, yet?

[PRIVATE TO SEVERUS]

For what it's worth, it is impossible to tell. But I suppose that's the point, isn't it?

[PRIVATE TO ORDER]

everyone reMind me that giving money tO rAndom strangers iS bad for my health.

so much fOr charity.

Fuck.