Peter "so fucking done" Pettigrew

The states are starting to sound really appealing. Anyone know what Hawaii's like this time of year?

I am not going to write that fucking list out for a third time in one week. I refuse to. I'll update it with the attacks next time something happens, but I'm not going to write it out again. I don't want to have to stare at it one right after another.

I'm tired. Why am I tired when nothing has even happened to me or my family? I wish there was something that I could do for Marlene, but I'm not a miracle worker. And no one can bring someone back from the dead. And that's about the only thing that will help her right about now. I hate feeling useless.

I need to talk to Mum. She's got to be worried with everything that's going on. I know Dad tries not to tell her things, but she isn't an idiot. She'll know.

I think I'm going to go to my parents' for a few days.

First Benjy and now both of the Prewetts. Oddly, I just feel numb. I would think that I would be more upset right now, but I know that I can't allow myself to be broken up because that would draw too many questions. I didn't know any of them well. And in all honesty, I was expecting it. Perhaps not Benjy. No. He never did anything to draw attention to himself, but the Prewetts... It was only a matter of time after what happened.

God, I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling like it's normal that three people just died. I don't want this to be normal. I don't want this to be our reality. But it doesn't matter what I want, does it? It never It doesn't matter what any of us want because we're not part of their cause. We're part of the problem and thus, need to be eliminated. I swear to God, they're not going to get me. They're not going to. I won't allow it.

Agnes is recovering. I wasn't sure whether anyone had bothered to mention anything to you or not, so I figured... Well, yeah. She's recovering. Slowly. It was Azkaban, after all. But there doesn't seem to be any lasting damage.

There's...too much. I can't think. Later. I'm going to be sick.

Damocles Belby
Sirius Black
Edgar Bones
Caradoc Dearborn
Dedalus Diggle
Elphias Doge
Aberforth Dumbledore √
Albus Dumbledore
Benjy Fenwick
Mundungus Fletcher
Alice Longbottom
Frank Longbottom
Remus Lupin √
Mary MacDonald √ X
Meaghan McCormack √√
Marlene McKinnon √√√√
Dorcas Meadowes √
Alastor Moody √
Agnes O'Hare √√
Peter Pettigrew
Sturgis Podmore
James Potter
Lily Potter √
Fabian Prewett
Gideon Prewett
Andromeda Tonks
Ted Tonks √√
Emmeline Vance

And another one bites the dust. It's either laugh or cry. I don't care if it's crass. I'd rather laugh.

Damocles Belby
Sirius Black
Edgar Bones
Caradoc Dearborn
Dedalus Diggle
Elphias Doge
Aberforth Dumbledore √
Albus Dumbledore
Benjy Fenwick
Mundungus Fletcher
Alice Longbottom
Frank Longbottom
Remus Lupin √
Mary MacDonald √
Meaghan McCormack √√
Marlene McKinnon √√√√
Dorcas Meadowes √
Alastor Moody √
Agnes O'Hare √√
Peter Pettigrew
Sturgis Podmore
James Potter
Lily Potter √
Fabian Prewett
Gideon Prewett
Andromeda Tonks
Ted Tonks √√
Emmeline Vance

Other Targets

Alice Longbottom - death of a fellow DE
Frank Longbottom - death of a fellow DE
Mary MacDonald - for being an annoyance
Alastor Moody - death of a fellow DE

Who does that even leave?

For being the words of a mass murdering psychopath, some if it actually makes sense.

So. I'm taking bets on how this is going to end. Massive Muggle Killing is running at 2:1. Another Large Scale Attack is at 4:1. And for the long shot odds, Mister Trimble Steps Down is going at 100:1.

If you've got another ideas, serve them up, and I'll give you your odds.

I wonder how Azkaban would count. Cross off or just a check? I suppose it would depend on whether or not she went mad while there. Either way, we'd be one more down. I bet their lot is just loving all this chaos. At least, what of it they can see.

Note to Self: The Unforgivables are unforgivable for a reason. So no matter how much you might want to track him down and Crucio his skinny arse at the moment, restrain yourself.

Werewolves. Marlene was attacked by werewolves. I feel as though I should start up a clock to see just how long after he and Marlene are both conscious that Remus calls the whole thing off. All right. Maybe that's a little over cynical, but I just know that he's going to try and bring this all back on himself, that the only reason she was attacked was because she was with him and that if she wasn't, she'd be safe. It would be a lot easier if it worked like that, but we're all in danger just by being alive. We're in even more danger by being in the Order. And frankly, all of us are going to have to face a situation like this eventually. We're just lucky that she wasn't killed. I really have to wonder how long that luck is going to last. We already lost Edgar. How long until we lose someone else?

Things are getting more dangerous, and I think we're just getting less organized as they do. I can't help but feel like if we fought less over how things were going to be done, there would be less for us to fight about. Everyone has their own way that they want to conduct things, and instead of bickering about which is best, we should just...try and put them all together? The sum of the whole is greater than its part and rubbish like that. I don't know. Sometimes I think I only write these things down just to get the bulk of the thoughts out of my brain before it explodes from being too busy. God knows my mind was jumping all over the place when I was talking to Severus last week. I really hope it wasn't that noticeable that I was only about half there most of the time.

Speaking of Snape, making sure Agnes is safe has got to be another check in the 'Not a Death Eater' column. Greyback and his pack are probably working with the Death Eaters, after all, and why would anyone do something so like that if it would put them into a situation where they're pretty much assured that they're going to get punished for it? It doesn't make any sense. Oh, well. We'll get the information we need one way or the other eventually especially if we end up doing surveillance on him. I need to check with the guys on that one.

It will at least be getting something done even if it is rather irresponsible and would probably get us told off by the rest of the Order if they had any idea that we were doing it. Oh, well. We're starting training soon. Hopefully that will help all of us feel a bit more organized and productive as well as actually help those of us who do need the extra practice. Remus, Marlene, and I have what we're going to be going over sorted. And I think I'm probably going to duck into both of the other class sessions just to try and refine my skills. Well, if you can call them skills. Moody certainly helped, and I'm not about to blow things up at random when casting hexes. But they're still not great by any means. Somehow I doubt they'll ever get great, but at least I want to be able to protect myself if the need arises. Shielding charms can only do so much.

Why do these things always end up so long? I swear, I really can't have this much to think about all the time.

So. Snape. The sooner we start watching him the better? Figure out what he's playing at?

So much has happened, and I'm not completely sure I've actually been able to take all of it in. It's all coming too fast, one tragedy after another. This is going to become the norm rather than the exception eventually, and I suppose I should probably prepare for when it will.... But I can't help but wonder whether I'm going to be able to deal with the day that this stops surprising me.

Edgar. It's still hard to think that he's gone, that they're all gone. There's no real reason to dwell on it. There's nothing that can be done to change it no matter how much I wish there was. This is war. People die. Sometimes I'm sorry that I can't be a pragmatic as my father, but I just don't see why people have to die over something as ridiculous as all of this. Humans are thinking creatures, but it's our ability to think and form ideals that is going to kill us in the end.

At least we're finally starting to get ourselves together. I'm supposed to meet Remus and Marlene on Sunday to figure out what things to teach in the realms of basic defense spells. We should probably throw some healing spells into that mix. With how damaged some people ended up in Diagon Alley, it wouldn't hurt to have someone else be able to heal them up if they were able to find a place to take cover. We should probably going over spells that were specifically designed to work against the Dark Arts. If there are any.

Shit. This weekend is going to be busy. I'm supposed to meet Moody after work to try and get my offensive spells up to snuff. And then I'm meeting Severus tomorrow. God knows why. I'm begging to get shunned. If any of the guys find out that I've been talking to him, I don't know what they'll do. I just hope it won't be anything drastic. I don't anticipate them not finding out. They will eventually. That's just how my luck runs.

Bugger. This got a lot longer than I meant it to be. I should probably get back to work.

I... I don't even known.

Sirius Black
Edgar Bones
Caradoc Dearborn
Dedalus Diggle
Elphias Doge
Aberforth Dumbledore
Albus Dumbledore
Benjy Fenwick
Mundungus Fletcher
Alice Longbottom
Frank Longbottom
Remus Lupin
Mary MacDonald
Marlene McKinnon
Dorcas Meadowes
Alastor Moody
Agnes O'Hare
Peter Pettigrew
Sturgis Podmore
James Potter
Lily Potter
Fabian Prewett
Gideon Prewett
Andromeda Tonks
Ted Tonks
Emmeline Vance

Another unnecessary death on top of the hundreds that were suffered earlier in the week. I'm starting to wonder when we'll reach the point that every issue of the Prophet will have a report on someone being murdered, when it will become the norm rather than the exception.

Looking at the scant details that have been provided, I'm expecting that we'll probably have business soon enough. There are far too many unanswered questions at the moment, and these are the Blacks we're talking about, after all. I highly doubt they'll take this lying down. I've already started fishing out the paperwork for a wrongful death lawsuit. Hopefully Crook will appreciate the initiative if we end up needing it. It's always best to be prepared so that you're not fumbling in front of a client.

I'm sick of all this death. Anyone feel like celebrating life?

I'm frustrated, exhausted, and disgusted. And I'm this close to quitting. We need to get things together, or we're going to end up tearing ourselves apart. The way things are going, the latter seems more likely.

I swear to God, when I'm attempting to be the voice of reason, something has gone horribly wrong.

Other Possible Targets

Mundungus Fletcher - being a twat

What the hell just happened?

Marlene - vocal
Anges - vocal
Lily - muggleborn
Remus - personal grudge

Other possible targets

James - vocal; might be considered collaterally damaged via Lily
Sirius - vocal
Dorcas - muggleborn
Mary - muggleborn
Ted? - muggleborn
The Prewetts? & Andromeda? - blood traitors?

Fuck. That's almost everyone.

I'm so tired of the fighting. I wish I knew how to keep it from getting as bad as it does, but we all knew each other too well. We knew exactly what to say to hurt each other the most. James is probably right. It's just all of this stress effecting us, making it more likely to lash out at each other even when there's really nothing there but imagined slights.

I still don't even know how Remus and Sirius's fight started. I've re-read it about a half a dozen times by now, and the closest thing I can even see to a springing board is the bickering about patrols. If something so small can set them off to the point that they're taking cheap shots, what is going to happen if something big is thrown between us all? I don't want something blowing up that will end up tearing us all apart for good. They're the only friends I've ever

I think maybe that's why I do keep so much of what I think to myself. I really don't want to fight with any of them, and I know I probably would end up doing so if I said half the things that cross my mind. And there's so much going on already. I don't want to make it worse.

Death Eater or not, he was still a person. He still had a family and friends. We might not be able to see why his death should be mourned, but there is someone, somewhere that is doing so. It is Lily's journal. She has the right to express her opinion. But I would have thought that she would be more sensitive to the suffering of others, no matter their position. Each death, on whatever side they might be, is still a death and still as horrible as any other death would be.

I hate feeling like I have to hide these opinions, that I have to bite my tongue whenever I disagree with something that is being said. I'm getting sick of smiling and nodding when I want to contradict someone just because I can't get myself organized enough to make a point that will stick, one that won't be dismissed as senseless rambling.

Or maybe I just really don't know what the hell I'm talking about and should stop wasting all this ink. I've got to finish packing. I think I'm going to have to sneak out under cover of darkness in order to go back to my own flat.

I should write Mum a note before I do.

Going back to my own flat now that the Alley's opened back up. That is, if I can sneak out without Mum having another fit about how dangerous London is. If anyone needs me for anything, not that you probably will that's where I'll be.

Part of me wants to follow Sirius's advice. With the way things are going, it's only a matter a time before each of us ends up losing a in that situation, and I really should go and make sure my parents are fully prepared. But I know that as much as Mum would appreciate the visit, Dad would end up peppering me with questions.

'Why are you telling me to do something like that for?' 'What do you know?' 'What did you get yourself into, boy?'

I can't lie to him worth shit, and this...this is the last thing he needs to know about. Even if it might make him proud of me for once. It's probably better that I just hope that Dad's paranoia has already ended in the house being warded. All I'd be able to do if I went over there would be to nag him to do it himself, anyway. God, I really need to pull out my old Defense texts and see if I can make myself less incompetent.

Maybe I'll call Mum first.

Anyone in the mood to go get plastered? I really need to stop thi